funny songs (or at least we think so!)
of normal birth i'm dreaming
Sung to the tune of "California Dreaming",
the alternative lyrics to this song were composed by
Sara Wickham and Lorna Davies and this was first sung by
us at the Midwifery Today conference in The Hague, Holland in November 2002.
All the walls are brown
And the beds are grey
I've been to the labour ward
To check I was OK
They put me on a drip
Said I'd got to stay
Of normal birth I'm dreaming
But it's all gone astray
Put me in a gown
And broke my waters too
Said they looked too brown
Baby's done a poo
Put me on a monitor
With an F S E
Of normal birth I'm dreaming
Seems it's not for me
Shaved my pubic hair
Took some bloods away
Made me sign a form
On the table I lay
They said I nearly died
Doctor saved the day
Of normal birth I'm dreaming
But it's all gone astray
Wish I'd listened to my friend
Who said home birth was cool
Well I'd have got down on my knees
And jumped into the pool
You know the midwives trust your body
And they just wait and see
Of normal birth I'm dreaming
Next time that's for me
something sexy...
Sung to the tune of "Something Stupid" (sorry Frank!),
the alternative lyrics to this song were composed by Trish Anderson, Lorna Davies, Claire Dean, Jane Evans and Sara Wickham and this was first sung by
"The English Midwives Choir" (featuring the famous Davies fake orgasm) at the
Midwifery Today conference in The Hague, Holland in November 2002.
I know I stand in line in case you think you have the time to do some foreplay with me
But tugging on my nipples just won't work, you need to slow it down alot you see
A woman likes it nice and slow, it's just the way we're made, I need to writhe with glee
And then you go and spoil it all by coming much too soon and slipping out of me
I'm staring at the ceiling, planning shopping, what you're feeling's nowhere near my bum
Get off you nit, that's not my clit, I think I need to turn into a lesbian
It's starting to go rather well, I'm swelling, wet and I can tell I'm nearly there
But it's only on account of me I'm verging near to ecstasy so let's be fair
Brad Pitt and Kevin Costner, Robert Redford, Robbie Williams, through my mind they fly
If you wave your nuts too much you'll get a hairpin in your crutch and then I'll wave bye bye
I practise everyday to find some special way to show you what I need to see
Get out the haagen dazs, and I will slap it on your arse, that always works for me
I wish you'd hurry up, I've got to do the washing up and all the hoovering
I thought I'd never make it, I was just about to fake it but I'm coming
(she's coming)
(she's coming)
i don't know how to labor!
Sung to the tune of "I don't know how to love him",
the alternative lyrics to this song were composed by
Brigitte Rhody and Amy Haas and this was first sung by
Sara Wickham and Brigitte Rhody at the
Midwifery Today conference in Philadelphia, PA
in March 2002.
I don't know how to labor
What to do, how to birth him
I've been changed
Yes, really changed
For I've had so many kids before
In very many ways
He's just one more
Should I call my doc?
Should he cut him out?
Should I plan induction
If I'm having doubts?
The epidurals' looking so damn good!
What's it all about?
I don't know how to birth him.
What to do, how to move him
I'm in pain
Yes, real pain
And I've had so many pains before
In very many ways
It's just one more!
Should I breathe him down?
Should I push him out?
Should I squat on down?
while I scream and shout?
I never thought I'd feel like this!
What's it all about?
I know now how to birth him
How to love
How to feed him
I've changed
Yes, really changed
And my midwife said
That all along
She knew that I was was strong
She wasn't wrong
I'm so strong
the twelve days of breastfeeding
Sung to the tune of "the twelve days of christmas",
the alternative lyrics to this song were composed and sung by
Judy Edmunds, Sara Wickham and Trish Anderson (with assistance from Elizabeth Davis and a bottle of red wine) at the
Midwifery Today conference in Bad Wildbad, Germany
in October 2004.
On the first day of breastfeeding mummy gave to me
An IQ two hundred and three
On the second day of breastfeeding mummy gave to me
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the third day of breastfeeding mummy gave to me
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the fourth day of breastfeeding mummy gave to me
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the fifth day of breastfeeding mummy gave to me
Less diarrhoea
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the sixth day of breastfeeing mummy gave to me
More antibodies
Less diarrhoea
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the seventh day of breastfeeing mummy gave to me
Fewer doctor visits
More antibodies
Less diarrhoea
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the eighth day of breastfeeing mummy gave to me
Less diabetes
Fewer doctor visits
More antibodies
Less diarrhoea
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the ninth day of breastfeeing mummy gave to me
More cash for ice cream
Less diabetes
Fewer doctor visits
More antibodies
Less diarrhoea
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the tenth day of breastfeeing mummy gave to me
Less chance of lymphoma
More cash for ice cream
Less diabetes
Fewer doctor visits
More antibodies
Less diarrhoea
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the eleventh day of breastfeeing mummy gave to me
More snuggly cuddles
Less chance of lymphoma
More cash for ice cream
Less diabetes
Fewer doctor visits
More antibodies
Less diarrhoea
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three
On the twelth day of breastfeeing mummy gave to me
In industrialised countries, a six fold reduction in the risk of hospitalisation compared to formula fed babies, in non-industrialised countries fifty times less morbidity and an eight times lower chance of dying than formula fed babies
More snuggly cuddles
Less chance of lymphoma
More cash for ice cream
Less diabetes
Fewer doctor visits
More antibodies
Less diarrhoea
Lower chance of asthma
Fewer allergies
Half the risk of SIDS
And an IQ two hundred and three