an ode to the "oops" trial
sara wickham


As a well-behaved midwife I always endeavour
To read all the research and put it together
To base all my practice on large RCTs
And to hail to statistics while down on my knees


So - in theory at least - I'm so glad to know
To get my hands ON when the head starts to show
I won't take my mitts off the head as it's crowning
Though the pack lies intact and the G grade is frowning


I must have my hands ON the baby emerging
An with chlorhexidine I am bathing and purging
(Or did they just say it now makes no odds -
To use just plain water and cotton wool wads?)


It's becoming my mantra to keep my paws ON
It's quite therapeutic - repeat all day long
Must not let the baby come lumping and bumping
Lest it slips out unnoticed and goes bungee jumping


We KNOW that it's better - a good three percent
Of women had a little less pain to lament
It's quite unrelated to their MRPCs
And only creates a slight rise in epis


There once was a time I was lucky to get
My gloves on in time so I wouldn't get wet
Mistaken, I thought that the midwife's remit
Was to site in the corner to watch and to knit


Now those arty-type midwives they always pull faces
And say that research never covers all bases
They say it's not blind (does that mean it can see?)
But it's published in MIDIRS, so that's cool by me.


So we all must make efforts to not simply poise
But assume the position and cut down our noise
And you know the next time when you're with a crown faced
You can tell all YOUR* women it's evidence based.


* As in the woman who YOU as a midwife deliver who belong to YOU and YOU alone. I believe there is a directive somewhere which will reassure you that the woman has nothing to do with the birth or the choices therewith. I just can't remember which one it is offhand. Perhaps if you did a web search you might find it?!